Leanne (lttl) wrote in sub_voices,

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I'm just writing an introduction as I plan on mostly lurking here. I am a 26 year old woman living in Portland OR. I am not a member of the BDSM scene.

That being said I am a submissive. If it were just a simple case of I like rough sex, a nice whip now and then, especially if it leaves bruises afterwards, the feeling of giving another pleasure, ect. I wouldn't be bothering to post of explore. I am currently married to a man who while is less submissive than me is certainly no dom. We're in an open relationship but most of my other lovers haven't really explored that sort of thing with me. It's mainly about us being together and enjoying eachother's company.

So the reason I am writing this is that for me my submissiveness seems to affect my entire life. My earliest sexual fantasies involved things that are generally seen as beyond vanilla. When I started working retail there were certain lessons I had to learn. For example it is importaint to look the customer in the eye, not divert your glance even if it is a service role. "Sir" is too formal of an address for a gas station deli customer (and still it took several blatently laughing at me to break me of the habbit). Now that I have those down I adore my job (wich is at a retail store not the previously mentioned deli). Nothing beyond the walls of the store matters. For the time I am on the clock it is all about making sure that the customers are happy, that my boss is pleased with the state of the store, that my list of tasks is complete. I love the challenge of a difficult customer that needs to be treated like a princess to feel like they got good service. I love letting people know that I'm willing to bend over backwards for them. I love the last hour or so of my shift when I feel that I haven't gotten enough done and I'm working to hard that I break a sweat, especially if I've worn uncomfortable shoes and have that bit of pain to overcome. For me this is a strange freedom, I guess an escapism.

On the more negative end of the spectrum I'm starting to get a clear picture on how this has affected my relationships. I have some trouble distinguishing my wants from other peoples. This has gotten me into less than healthy relationships where there wasn't much to the emotional side of things other than my desire to help/be there for my partner and wasn't much more to the physical side than the other person's desire for me and my love of the knowlege that that desire was there. I'm currently having to spend alot of time trying to figure out what I feel about things in my life as opposed to what they feel. I also realize that I've previously engaged in emotional massocism, enjoying fact that our desire for eachother was greater than the pain that was caused by the fact that we were not right for eachother. Most of these are recent realizations and I'm working on figuring out what to do with them.

As for the BDSM community well knowing all of this about me it scares me. I don't know where I would define my boundries were I in such a situation. I'm afraid that if I start exploring things that way I will become addicted and it will take over my life. I'm very dedicated to my spiritual life and wouldn't want anything to take away from that. I realize that there are ways to be involved without it taking over my entire life. I also realize that this is a tantalising fear, the type you get when you're both drawn to and afraid of somthing. I guess I'm deciding to lurk about this community to get more of a perspective on the lifestyle. Currently I'm working on understanding this part of me but I know that soon will come a time where I have to decide what to embrase and what to conquer and I'm certain the answer will be a mixture of the two. So I guess I'm here to see how those of you that embrase this side of you live.

Sorry I think I lied about this being a short intro. If anyone has any suggestions of things that could help me please comment. The opprotunity for input is also why I joined the community. Nice to meet you all

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