Seriously though, for a while I was kinda calling myself: a submissive masochist who is a slave to M and only M. But I still can't get my head around the concept of ownership & free will. There is a concept of slavehood vs slavery, (slavehood implies personal vocation) and that does make more sense to me.
I know I have free will because I will always have the ability to leave. But I also know that M wouldn't want to keep me if I really wanted to go. Not that I DO want to go! I'm very happy, happier than I have ever been in this relationship & any other. Which is a really nice thing to feel.
We don't live together (LDR for now actually) & M isn't into a lot of protocol. Very little in fact. One thing we do is orgasm denial. Earlier in our relationship I gave him the gift of owning my orgasms that way. He never stops me from masturbating (or sex with girls if it gets to that, which it hasn't so far but we are poly & I am finally ready for that) ...anyway he just disallows the ORGASM part! EVIL! I am encouraged, sometimes required to bring myself to the brink as much as possible.
Around the same time as that I (totally on my own initiative) gave up my right to safeword for pain alone. I will still safeword to stop or preempt physical or emotional harm, but other than that I have left it up to him to decide how much is "too much"
And that was pretty much it for D/s for awhile. Just this summer we had an incident *g* I was being super bratty & he said something about "he is always right so no matter what he says I agree with him and say 'yes Sir'". Well I told him to "make me". He did. ;) well past the point where I forgot what I was even saying no to. Now he gets "yes Sir" whenever he wants.
We do SM all the time, we have from the start, and there is a D/s element to that of course. We do love the edgeplay. So pushing me to my limit is, well in some ways that is kinda in every scene. In a way. I miss him so much. I'm seeing him this weekend for the first time in about 2 months, so I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to it.
Even if we don't scene, and we might not because he has some health issues that have been acting up, I still can't wait to just see him and be with him
It seems like so much of what is considered Ms is protocol & 24/7 & service & other things that I'm just not. M doesn't want that either.
but there is something in me that responds to the word slave. Maybe it has something to do with M thinking of me as his slave.