Éponine Thénardier/Fantine Reincarnated (jade_faith) wrote in sub_voices,
Éponine Thénardier/Fantine Reincarnated

just a little confused

It's been over a year since my Dom and I parted ways. Why? Because he was all talk and no action, except when he felt like it. He suggested the idea of a contract and actually produced the piece of paper to me. He wanted to make it official, but each time I brought it up, he always did the "later" shit. Also, he was extremely passive and he was the type to just come home from work, smoke pot, watch a little TV, and fall asleep. It was sad really. Also, he didn't want to put a label on our relationship, but we behaved like a BDSM couple anyway. He also gave me a slave name. I got sick of everything and it was the last straw when he told me in the final stages of our relationship that he just wanted me to give him blowjobs and to flog me. There is a copious amount of what else went wrong and how he let me down, but that's another entry.

Ever since then, I have been attending munches occasionally and just interacting with other BDSM enthusiasts. My very first munch was okay, people were nice, and they were easy to talk to; but, in a way, I still felt out of place. The second time around, for some odd reason, I was more withdrawn and introverted and was very apprehensive to approach any Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress to breech the subject of possibly playing. Both times, my best friend came with me. (She's a vanilla, but with kink). My best friend did most of the talking for me at the second munch. That's how bashful I was. At my second munch, the atmosphere was different. I could feel it down to my bones and there was a sort of negativity and arrogance that lingered in the air. But, I digress. It just didn't feel right the second time around to be frank.

So of course, some time later, it came to a surprise to me when I stopped receiving emails from the BDSM Munch website to where I attended the parties. I instant messaged the leader/host of the monthly munches and asked why I stopped getting subscriptions. To keep it brief, my account was disactivated because my old email stopped working and that I didn't contribute money to the party (of course, it's blatantly stated in emails that donations are completely OPTIONAL). I could understand and change the first two, but what really pissed me off was when this Host requested that I do not bring my best friend with me anymore. Why? Because, she "wasn't getting into it" and that her speech and body language were unnerving to others. Of course, I calmly explained to him that she only came for my protection and to keep me company. She voiced that she wasn't into BDSM and it was okay with the Host that she attend. In fact, he encouraged newcomers to come. I still receive emails from the website, but now it says for the Fetish nights, that only "experienced" BDSMers attend and that newcomers should probably avoid them. Uh-huh.

It really boiled my blood when he requested she longer attend. She isn't a reporter, a voyeur, or anything negative like that. She came for me and she just wanted to see what my world was like. In fact, her behavior to me was completely normal. But, I understand how her behavior would bother some other people. She's outspoken, opinionated, bold, daring, and is absolutely not afraid to express herself. Basically, she's the anti-sub/slave. But, besides that, I thought that this damned lifestyle was supposed to welcome newcomers with open arms.

For over a year, I've conversed with Doms/Masters via Internet and how they treat me, even when I'm not theirs to begin with just really angers me. I've learned a bit since my last "relationship", and I know what I want and I know who I am. But, I also am like my friend in some aspects and I am a "wayward sub" to put it bluntly. I can't do the 24/7 thing from what I've learned because in my nature, I cannot be shackled down completely and utterly, even though it turns me on. I also like the idea of my partner seeing us as equals instead of the other way around. I also love laughing, smiling, and not taking most subcultures too seriously. A lot of people seem to find problems with that.

Besides that, to cut to the chase, I've been considering leaving the BDSM scene. Or perhaps the alternative of becoming a solitary practictioner. I love the lifestyle too much and a lot of it relate to my desires, but there are a lot of people in it who so far, haven't approved of how I behave and view things. I know I should say, "Fuck what they think," but it still feels nice to belong and knowing you're not alone in what you sexually desire. I've been mulling this decision over for a few months and I'm still confused to this point. I just came here for advice on what some others would think. I conflict a lot with the lifestyle, but I adore it. I don't want to leave it behind, but I feel like I should. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

X-posted to a lot of other communities.
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