anyway, onto the ranting..
For me, being submissive certainly makes it more difficult to know my own likes and dislikes.
I noticed that, during sex/ual things, sometimes he's like "do you like __/do you want __?" it's always something he likes or wants, and i just tell him yes, without really figuring out the true answer. should it matter what the true answer is? I don't know. I just want to completely surrender to him, regardless of those things. especially since he is asking this during things being hot and heavy, we are both aroused, and i don't wanna interrupt the mood for both of us by disagreeing.
For me it seems the fantasy was that I would find the one person who loves me, and who can dominate me during sex, so that I can just completely let go and not have to worry about anything because it is all in his hands, and completely satisfy my subconscious desires to be that way, (and I think I can stick up for myself better in the rest of my life when I have my submissive side sated) and that that person will know exactly what you want, and force you to get what you want, and it will always be really hot and climactic and a great release. i know that is silly. i always read "a Dom is not a mind reader!" and I know that. I guess I just didn't realize how difficult this communicating my wants thing would be.
Today he also told me that he finds ball gags incredibly hot. It makes me sad that that is not something I can do, because of my TMJ. It suprises me even that I am able to give him blowjobs so often, and do so well at it, but they do affect me, cause headaches and whatnot. A ball-gag would just be more unnecessary strain on my jaw. And just the thought of it scares me. It always makes me feel kind of sad or even inadequate when I can't fulfill his fantasies. But I know if I tried, I'd be risking freaking out. And that would be even worse than just not doing them. What sucks is how he sometimes gets an idea lodged in his mind and has trouble letting go of it, until I have told him a firm no like 3 times. But I guess I can't blame him for trying, since I am always saying that some things I just want to be forced to do. It was only about a week ago I started trying to make clear to him the difference between hard limits and soft limits.
I really like this idea of keeping this journal. Already I feel like I'm able to think about this stuff more clearly